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My Story…
..by Esther S.
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Boulder Colorado - She sat on a bench in the hall of the Justice Center, crying after hearing the 16-year sentence passed down on her son. It was just 20 years ago to the day (my son was sentenced on his birthday) that her first child was born. A son, now they were taking him away. But she had to go on. Go home and take care of the three others that needed her. She asked everyone she came in contact with for help in understanding the prison system, the judicial system, and what was happing to her family. No one could offer any help.
That person on the bench was me. And I have found the same story repeated over and over again, for families of an incarcerated person. Uncle’s, aunts, grandparents, brother and sisters, there is nothing out there for support or education. For over 10 years I had to learn by trial and error, and then through a friend at church I was told about Laure Clemons. Laure had started up a group in Centre, Alabama and had a dream of expanding nation-wide to reach the hurting and lost families of prisoners. Never having met, but both convinced that this was of God, the Colorado Branch of Extended Family was born.
My son was sent out of state to a prison in Texas. We couldn’t afford to even go and visit him. He was there two years. We had just saved enough to go and visit him in a couple months when he was transferred up to a prison in Colorado. That’s when I had to face the shame; learn how to go about the visits; accept an inmates phone calls and charges. I learned that people who had known me didn’t know how to respond to me any more. They felt awkward. Some were afraid and kept their children from playing with my other children. I never went silent, or hid that my child was in prison. I held my head high and I believe that is why others have felt safe to come up to me and share their stories. I have been surprised at the people in my life who have been hiding the fact that they have a loved one in prison. Who long to talk with someone and be freed from the shame and condemnation.
My son is nearing the end of his sentence. And the support, I will need still continues. How do I help him when he gets out? What is my role, how much do I help, and where will he live, all these things are questions that swim around in my mind.
I come to Extended Family to help and support others, but by coming I also receive help and support from you. Extended Family is a two fold organization, and we are here not only to get help but to reach out and help others.
A Mother's Story - Surviving Tragedy
By K. Njola, Columbia, Maryland
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On June 24, 1998, my world as I knew it took a devastating turn. My 18 year-old son was sentenced to 40 years in prison for making a grave mistake during his adolescence. As the judge read the sentencing, she explained mandatory minimums, meaning he will have to do every day of that 40-year sentence, with no good-time credit. My heart stopped beating. The sun turned to darkness and refused to shine again for 9 long years, my joy became overshadowed by sadness. Life had taken a really dark turn and I was unable to comprehend its meaning. I couldn't eat, sleep, think, laugh, smile, or find any joy in life. I slipped into deep depression, focusing on suicide as a viable alternative to what I had to face...doing time! I thought about dying every waking moment of the day, but instinctively I knew survival was the only option. How I was to accomplish that remained a mystery for years to come.
I've moved to 4 different states searching for peace, running away from the embarrassment, humiliation, shame, anger, sadness, and disorientation of that experience. How could I have peace thinking about my son living in a fitly 6 x 6 maximum security jail cell with roaches and rats crawling all over him, sitting in his cell 23 hours a day, being fed the most disgusting food imaginable, watching him lose over 50 lbs of his body weight (which made him grossly underweight), I questioned the motives of God, to have inflicted such a tedious test of my courage and strength..."How could He have allowed this enormous beast of burden to aggressively assault my happiness?" How do I move on with my life?
I had to release my ego-based thoughts regarding the experience and allow
truth to prevail. I prayed each day for guidance and help to make it through
that tedious mountain. The hopelessness and despair I felt during the first
five years of my son's incarceration lessen as I took the hands of others'
and embraced them with all vigor. They appeared in the form of pure love,
non-judgmental angels, spiritual guides if you will.
Surrendering to the moment, acceptance of what is your reality, and allowing
the unfoldment of life to occur without going against the grain are the
key principles which helped me to navigate through that painful experience.
I went in and out of the five-stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance), before I finally came to the realization that
my own perception of the experience is what was holding me back from complete
break-through. I held myself inside a mental prison, blaming myself, punishing
myself, attacking my self-worth, and reeking havoc on my confidence. Reaching
out to others who are experiencing similar tragedies has been my greatest
comfort during the past few years. The depression and suicidal ideations
completely vanished as I reached outside the box for help.
Healing takes on many different forms, and there are no set guide-lines in which to accomplish this task. Allowing your spirit to guide you through the process, being extremely tender and loving towards yourself, and asking others' for help will aide you on your journey towards healing and wholeness. Accepting your situation empowers you into action. Surrendering to the healing process helps to facilitate the strength and courage needed to embrace your loved-ones who are incarcerated.
Life happens as fate, karma, preordained destiny, or simply kismet, despite our greatest efforts. Be kind to yourself regardless how difficult the struggles may become. Bad things happen to good people everyday. This should not be an indictment upon their character or the intrinsic nature of their internal-self. Embracing people with love, mercy, compassion, and tenderness is what God expects of us (our most reasonable service to others).
My family is incomplete; I've lost a son to prison. My oldest son and daughter
loss a brother. My parents lost a grandson. My siblings lost a nephew. Every
day is a struggle, but I'm facing the issue head-on now, the good, the bad,
and the ugly. It still hurts to think of my son imprisoned, away from his
family and friends. Visiting him in prison adds to the already perplexing
dynamics of my plight. Prison is a gloomy, oppressive, lonely, miserable,
dismal tomb. Not only is the prisoner doing time, but family members are
also doing hard-time. Today, I have learned to put my faith forward and
trust that God will see us through this ominous test. I’ve learned
to laugh again and joy in life’s simple pleasures. I’m a Licensed
Social Worker by trade, the helping profession. Helping others is what I
do. However, helping families survive the tragedy of incarcerations is now
my life-long mission. So I guess s I’ve discovered purpose in the
midst of this dreadful misfortune.
My precious son is incarcerated, not deceased. He's still a valuable asset
to the world. Although he is imprisoned, he's still evolving spiritually,
emotionally, mentally, and socially. Though they hold his body in a cell,
they cannot touch his mind. He's still on a journey of self-discovery, in
search of his life's purpose. He's found solace in creative writing. He’s
currently writing a screenplay. He has been able to propel forward due to
an out-pour of love from people all over the world. Love is the one true
healing balm for any ailment known to mankind. Allow the love of others
to help you through this moment and heal your wounded heart. You need only
to ask!
Please consider reading my son's tragic/triumphant story, and keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Learn more of him at www.freewebs.com/kwayerajackson
Universal Love